Ordered a 2x shirt because I like bigger shirts but I finally bought a shirt! Still waiting on my microdose pills but I'm hoping they'll be here soon my depression has been creeping back in lately

Edit to add: they shipped today! Hopefully everyone else gets theirs soon too.

Yesterday would have been our five year anniversary so it was a tearful day for me but I'm going to try and be stronger today, I know he'd want me to be happy

I went to visit his grave yesterday for the first time since the funeral. My daughter and I hugged and cried while we tried to think of the happier times with him. I don't wish the grief of suicide on anyone

My sweet baby Remus, if we have many soulmates in different forms, then he must be one of mine. He's been with me through a few macro doses now, he's pretty much a guide at this point! He's always there when I need him the most, whether it's during a hard moment of a macro or just a hard day of life. The amount of unconditional love that can come from such a small creature is astounding to me sometimes, but I'm so grateful that we got to exist in the same life together 🙏🏻

Tw: self harm
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A photo of me and my ex boyfriend Adolph when we were still happy together. There isn't a day since March 9th that has gone by that I don't think about him. When we met he seemed like the perfect person for me, we talked every day for three months before we met in person and agreed to make it official. We were long distance that first year and I had no idea that he was still so immature in so many ways. My therapist said I was repeating the cycle of neglect my mother started in my childhood being with him. It felt like having another child more than it did a partner most days. He had threatened suicide once before when we broke up in 2023 so I stayed but I wasn't happy and it only got worse. I knew that our relationship needed to end for both of our sakes because I didn't like who I was with him anymore, I was bitter and resentful and we both deserved better. I just wish it hadn't been the end of his life, my therapist and I thought his previous threats were just him trying to force me to stay with him. But I'll never forget that day, the way he looked at me, how I begged him not to do it, how I tried my hardest to get the gun away from him, how he was kind enough to lock himself in the bathroom so I didn't see it. I'm grateful my last macro helped me mourn him, helped me to see that some of us just shine too bright to stay long and have to go back to creation earlier than we'd ever hope for. He was a kind soul, and I hope to go on in this world being as soft and kind as he was.

The church was nice enough to send replacement gummies and for whatever reason sent me two packages. Well this solved my question of if I should eat the gummies and whole bar or not lol. I did my hero dose (7 grams) about two weeks ago and it was pretty intense. In fact I went somewhere, I don't know where because I feel like I lost a chunk of time (about an hour and a half I'd guess) but I wasn't scared. In fact my cat has always been my spirit guide during my trips and he came to lay down next to me right as everything started to go black so I knew I would be okay. I saw matrix looking patterns and I felt like I was someone else looking through my eyes from a distance. My eyes felt crunchy which was very odd but I just keep rubbing them until it went away. I came back to reality to a note on my phone with lyrics from a song that I've been really into lately. It's called avalanche and it's about standing up and refusing to go down even in the middle of an avalanche. I cried for my ex, really deeply mourned his suicide and how we can be here one minute and gone the next. I started thinking about how we're all little bursts of life that fade out as we're trying to make it back to the Creator. I visualized millions of little lights bursting and fading as they floated up to a big ball of light. It made the big bang theory make more sense to me honestly. I also felt a huge sense of peace at the beginning, like I was finally at peace with my body and that my body and mind were finally one again. Ever since my autoimmune disease diagnosis I have felt that the disconnect between the two and my lack of self care and self love are why I got sick. That and all the trauma I have endured in this life. I cry less often for my ex now, and it's been easier letting go of alcohol and I've started yoga again. I haven't microdosed since and will probably wait to see how I feel after two months and then decide if I need to get back on the micro. I am really hoping this was the dose that finally helped me heal enough to where I will be okay without it and without alcohol 🙏🏻

Ugh I'm so upset, my sacrament package was delivered and USPS put it in the wrong apartment mailbox like they did with some supplements last time I ordered something that shipped with them I was finally going to do my hero dose tonight with the gummies and a bar since I've been holding onto the bar and finally ordered the gummies. But I guess I will have to get in touch with the church. I might also stalk the mailman tomorrow and see if he can find it

"Oh this hurts too much, you didn't have to leave that way,"

It's my birthday but it's been a horrible month. My ex boyfriend took his own life in my old apartment bathroom on the 9th after I struggled to get the gun away from him and talk him down. We'd broken up and he couldn't accept that it was over. I'm working through the feeling that it's my fault he made this terrible decision and the guilt of not being able to stop him. So this year I'm having a pity party at my new place and everyone is welcome to join me, I have enough tissues for us all.

Life just keeps throwing curve balls at me and I'm trying so hard not to resist because I know resistance creates suffering but at the same time I know it's important to cry and feel my feelings even if they suck. I just hope I can have some time Sunday to take a macro and work through some things 🙏🏻

https://open.spotify.com/track/74axUvJAZwKxWdWPEMOmrr?si=pJVYNnwnR9yUFu7wzIY6Bw